Ministering in Pastoral Care

Since my foot problems have intensified, one of the volunteer duties I've had to give up is the hospital ministry I did for several years. For this ministry, I was on rotation to take the Holy Eucharist to hospital patients. I would pick up my assignment sheet at the Pastoral Care office, proceed to the chapel to pray for my patients and then get the blessed Eucharist. I set out on my rounds, visiting the rooms on my assignment. It was a deeply rewarding ministry. Every time I was there, I experienced a particular patient, family member or incident that made me realize that there was a definite purpose for my being there on that particular day. 


After introducing myself, I offered Catholic patients an opportunity to receive holy communion. Many had asked to be put on the communion list so, more often than not, patients accepted and appreciated the opportunity. Regardless of whether or not they received communion, I prayed with the family and offered prayers of healing for the patient. I ended with the prayers for distribution of the Eucharist. I was always touched by how grateful the people were; not only the patients but their family members, friends, and even their sitters. 


Many times, when I determined that the elderly spouse or the parent of a small child rarely got to leave their patient's room, I would offer to confer the Eucharist to the family member as well. Patients often wanted nothing more than to have someone to talk with. This was especially true if they had come to our hospital from another city or country and felt as if their pastoral support and family had been left behind.


Of course, the foot problems were always amplified on the days I had Pastoral Care duties. Although I wore my most comfortable shoes, I tried to maintain the dress code that had been established for us. (So I definitely wasn't in sweat pants and old sneakers!) The ministry called for several consecutive hours of walking the long hospital halls and standing on my feet for extended periods of time; a combination that was certain to bring unbearable pain. Regardless of the day, the time or the footwear, it was always a very painful job for me. But the rewards certainly outweighed the pain.


I always believed that this was such a small sacrifice for me, despite the pain. I have foot pain; bad foot pain. So what? It's not a condition I will die from; nor is it one that involves major working organs that keep my body functioning. I prayed as I went though my assignment. God, please give me the fortitude, courage and pain resistance I need to get me through this day. I was so humbled by the experience and so fortunate to be able to perform this important spiritual mission that my pain was often pushed to the back of my mind.


During every visit, I somehow received a spiritual message regarding the "reason" I was there and how important this ministry is. Occasionally, I had the extreme privilege of giving communion to ordained religious individuals. In many cases, these members of the clergy were battling life-threatening diseases. Sometimes they had reached "end of life" situations. It was always very humbling to confer communion to these priests, religious brothers or nuns, especially knowing that in some cases, it could possibly be one of the last times they would receive the sacraments after giving their lives to Jesus Christ.


But eventually, I had to give up hospital ministry because of my feet. And I truly miss it.  Of all the things I've had to give up, I would say this was the hardest. I enjoyed the ministry and the time I spent with patients. I am thoroughly convinced that it is a vital mission and one I hope to resume at some point. I believe that there was a "calling" attached to this privilege and if I can ever get my foot pain back to a tolerable level, I will definitely try to answer that calling again.


My next blog will impart a particular patient experience (one of many) and how strongly I was affected by my Pastoral Care Ministry experiences. Until I return, I continue to pray for the Pastoral Care ministers in all hospitals, and especially Our Lady of the Lake where I ministered. 

Refusing to Give In

It has taken me a long time to reach this point, but I've decided to return to Houston to see the orthopedic surgeon who performed my last and most successful foot surgeries. Although I'm not expecting that he can perform miracles, I hope he can find some way to help my most recent, recurring and very painful foot problems.


We will soon make the 300+ mile trip to the Texas Medical Center and my feet will become reacquainted with Dr. Braly, a man I had come to know well over the years that he performed surgeries on both feet and ankles from about 1989 to 1994. It's been almost 18 years since I saw him for the follow-up after my most recent foot surgery in June 1994. It will be interesting to see what he thinks about the current "state of affairs" with my aching feet.


When I saw the new doctor here in Baton Rouge a few months ago, I walked away with the opinion that he sees no easy solution to my current problems. He believes that, short of doing major surgery to fuse bones, there is nothing he can do to help the latest pains. Fusing the bones could possibly cause me to lose motion in that area and, in the end, may not help the pain. Not great odds; even for pains that keep my feet adorned with at least a dozen kinds of bandages. I won't even consider major surgery or fusing bones.

But the most obvious opinion I heard from him was how prolific he believed my foot surgeon had been. He pointed out on my x-rays how well the bones had healed and how well the precise "surgical sites" looked. He seemed amazed at the appearance of the x-rays in the places where the surgeon had performed his craft. It was encouraging to hear this surgeon praise the work of my previous surgeon so extensively. He explained how sorry he was that the nerve damage remained from the neuroma excisions, but made it clear that the structural formation looked great. The pain, it seems, is due to the manner in which my weight distributes when I walk. I naturally step away from the painful areas. As I said before, "the surgery was a success but the patient died."


Obviously, after I saw the new doctor, the problems continued and the array of bandages became more varied. I still get painful callouses and then blisters form around the callouses. The spot where the right bunion once was, has become a painful point of contention. When pain hits the spot where the pin was placed, it is excruciating! And it only takes something as simple as a pair of flats or a closed toe shoe that hits the bunion spot in just the wrong way. The pain is immediate and unbearable.


My research 20 years ago led me to Dr. Braly and, at the time, I determined that he was the best. I accepted that my pain continued simply because it was meant to be. I never believed it was his fault or the fault of anything he had done or not done. At the time, he told me that the particular combination of problems I had was perhaps one of a kind in the world. In fact, his research has shown that I was one of only four with one set of problems, one of two with another. That's me . . . one of a kind. 


Since I definitely don't want big surgery, what am I hoping for? Well, I'll have to have the expert look at it but I believe if he can snip a tendon or connecting tissue that's making the big tow lean and ultimately making the painful bunion spot stick up, maybe that would help. Strap me into a boot and let it heal. Now, that's my simple solution, but let's see what my doctor has to say. If HE has no solution, then I will continue with the bandages and toe separators.


This is definitely NOT the way I want to be listed in the World Book of Records. But it is what it is. I pray that Dr. Braly will take a look and know exactly what to do to make it better. I hope he can take some of the broken glass away! 


After all these years, I still refuse to believe that with all the technology that has come along in the world, someone like me can be forced to accept the fact that a four-square-inch segment of my body can control my life and cause so much pain. I once told my doctor "they only hurt when I stand on them or walk on them." But isn't that what feet are for?

As the glass shatters . . .

I fully realize how long I've neglected my blog. When I set it up, it was an honest attempt to regularly share thoughts of how I continue to live my life despite the fact that I literally "walk on on broken glass" through every aspect of my life. My neglect certainly doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I haven't had anything to write about. In fact, everything I do is affected by my foot pain in some way. We've been very busy and on the go, with every step carefully planned around how I balance what I do with the extreme pain that I experience. But life goes on and so do I.


So, despite the fact that I never expect my life to slow down, I will try to get back to my blog and let you know how I manage to carry on. For example, in packing for our cruise, I'm positive that I had about a hundred different kinds of band aids. And, trust me, I used every single kind. It's a simple fact of my life. I will try to continue to share my life with foot pain, along with the enhanced body-wide pain, while being as pleasant as possible. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my bucket list. Working through the pain. That's my new normal!

No Short Circuits for This Gal!

There's a fun event going on tonight and I can't wait to see a lot of old friends. It's a party for folks who lived in our part of town when we were all in high school and it's always well attended. It never disappoints and gets more and more fun each year. But there will be standing; lots of standing! No dancing; but standing around and reliving the "good old days." Standing around is very hard and painful for me. I could probably find a place to sit the whole time, but that's just not me. I have to mingle! I'll be "working the room" like a politician, making sure I find and hug every single person I know. And a few people I won't know until tonight. 


But if I want to enjoy myself I have to play by the "foot rules" that I've developed through the years. I have to try to "baby" my feet all day and get them ready for more standing and movement than they can normally handle. If I've had a bad foot day, then going to any event is out. I'd have to skip it all together. So I have to make sure that I have a good foot day today!


Before I begin to get ready, I'll ice my feet for at least an hour or two; propping them as high as I can to get the blood flowing away from them. I'll soak them in cool water after my bath because hot water wakes up all the nerves and really intensifies the pain. Heat expands. Cold contracts. I always have to keep those two rules of physics in mind when dealing with my feet.  The damaged nerves are like live wires and my job is to keep them from short-circuiting! 


The band-aids come next; careful not to cover my gorgeous red toenail polish. I'm a person one would refer to as a vain pain gal.  I deal with pain the best I can, but let it be known that I'm always concerned with how I look while doing it. While I don't wear high heels or any shoe I'd consider painful, I am very particular about what goes with what. The clothing I choose is dependent on what kind of shoes I can wear as much as on where I'm going. For tonight, I have a pair of well-worn MBT sandals that help to keep the weight off the balls of my feet. Not the best solution but as good as it gets. The soles are not nearly soft enough for me, but I can get by with them for a while. I'll alternate "working the room" with sitting and resting. If I can find a way to make an ice pack, there will be one under my feet as often as I can get it there.


The bandaging process is a tedious but important one. I bandage every toe usually susceptible to blistering or callouses; but not too tight in case my feet swell. Any place that the shoe might rub and make me uncomfortable will get attention. A grain of sand under my foot feels like a rock, so I have to make sure the insides of the sandals are smooth.  Obviously, my feet have to be wiped clean as well. After I go through the mental check list and the shoes are on, I check to make sure I have all the obvious problem spots taken care of. I stop long enough to say a prayer and ask God to help get me through whatever event I'm headed for.


At the party, I'll try not to get cornered in long conversations once my feet start hurting, which will probably be about ten minutes into the party. I'll make an excuse, find a chair and rest for a while. If I do get stuck in a conversation I can't get away from, or one I can't move to a place where I can sit, time to leave the party will come much quicker. I hate it when that happens, but it happens and I have to deal with it. I never have to remind my husband that if I give him "the look" that says "we have to leave NOW." He knows that it means NOW.

So I must get on with the job of babying my feet for the rest of the day; preparing for the big event. Maybe I'll see you there? If not, I'll let you know how the vain pain gal makes it through the party!  

The Surgery was a Success but the Patient Died!

I saw a new foot doctor last week; an orthopedist who specializes in problems from the knee down. This was my first "foot visit" since 1994, after the last of many foot surgeries. I don't know what I expected to accomplish with this exam, but I wanted someone to take a fresh look and tell me if anything can be done. The best hope is that it could be done without surgery. I need help with the awful foot pain and wanted to see if he had any helpful advice. I wanted to have them examined by someone familiar with the technology that has emerged since my last foot surgeries.


I really liked the new doc. As I waited in the exam room, I was happy to see that it was filled pictures, posters and memorabilia of LSU sports. I knew right away that I had a bond with this young doctor through knowledge of unusual foot problems, along with an enthusiastic love of LSU sports. When he came in, I introduced him to the what would probably be the best looking pair of "feet from hell" he will ever have an opportunity to examine. 


He was impressed with the brilliant array of Band-Aids covering my toes. In all, there were probably six or eight bandage strips. I'd purposely left the bandages on my feet; mostly because I needed them to pad the blisters, callouses and pain spots beneath them. But I also wanted to show him how I survive day-to-day foot pain. I pad the places that hurt most and try to move on with my day. I uncovered all the spots as we reviewed the long list of prior surgeries. We talked about the unusual aspects of my surgical history which covered about a 10-year period from 1985 to 1994. We discussed the reasons that the last five or six surgeries were performed in The Texas Medical Center in Houston. 


At the time, the foot pain kept getting worse instead of better. Since there was no orthopedic "foot" specialist here in Baton Rouge at that time, I wanted to ensure that I had no more "botched" surgeries and that I had the best possible care I could find. He apparently agreed that I'd found good help. He referred to the x-rays and showed me that, from an orthopedic standpoint, my feet had healed perfectly. He was impressed that, on the x-rays, he could barely see where the surgeries had been performed. The x-rays showed little evidence to match the numerous surgical scars on both feet. 


On the screen at least, they looked perfect. All the bones were straight and showed visible evidence that the surgeon had done a great job and my feet had healed as they were supposed to. Indeed, on the screen, they looked like normal feet. He said most of his foot patients could only wish for x-rays that looked quite so normal. Deceiving to say the least!


He looked at the freshly unbandaged spots as I explained where the most of the foot pain surfaces. We discussed the long history of recurring neuromas and how the nerve damage that ensued is not reversible. 


His opinion was much the same as my own, that pain from the nerve damage is here to stay and I should continue to deal with is as I have been. The blisters and callouses, he explained, are simply the result of the way I walk on my feet. It's the way my weight is distributed when I walk. It seems that because of the nerve damage, I unconsciously try to compensate by shifting weight away from the nerve center. Unfortunately, that puts added stress on other parts of my feet. The results come in the form of blisters between my toes, along with scattered and predictable callouses over the longer term.


I do have to admit that I gave doc a bit of a pause when I explained that, through the years, I've found that no amount of pain medication will help the nerve pain in my feet. On the other hand, I've found that alcohol does help. "Hey, a Margarita or two and I may be ready to dance."  There was a definite pause and a nearly audible gasp. I quickly followed with, "But lucky for me, I don't like alcohol. And I've witnessed far too much alcohol abuse to MAKE myself drink something I really don't like. Maybe an occasional glass of wine or a Margarita but basically, I don't routinely consume alcohol."  I definitely saw a moment of relief cover his face as he breathed a sigh of relief.  I don't use alcohol as a means of relieving foot pain. Whew! 

So. That's it. It's "the way I walk on my feet!" Not much I can do or say about that. But he recommended more "creature comforts" which will require frequent visits to my old friend "Dr. Scholls" on store shelves. He recommended toe separators, toe covers and some expensive memory-foam insoles. Wow, if I had a dollar for every pair of expensive insoles that have made the pain disappear!  Hmm. By now, I'd probably have . . . a dollar? No wait. I haven't found them yet. And, by the way, the new creature comforts haven't added any more relief than I'd found prior to this visit.


I think my pain management doctor put it best when she said it was an obvious case of what doctor's refer to as "the surgery was a success but the patient died." My foot surgery, from the view on an x-ray, was completely successful. But my feet still hurt like hell!


So the bottom line is that I have a new foot doctor and he has determined that there's still not much that can be done to help my foot pain. Any additional surgery would be intense and probably counter-productive. So I continue to cover most of my toes with bandage tape. I pad the callouses to help ease the pain. I still can't wear shoes that put pressure on the spot where there used to be a bunion. I still can't wear shoes that put weight on the balls of my feet due to the irreversible nerve damage. My toes still rub together and create painful blisters! In short, life goes on. 


Maybe it's just me but it's still hard to comprehend how, in this day in time, I'm still forced to allow a three-to-four square inch area on each foot to control my life. But it happens. My life of "walking on broken glass" continues.

Time Out

We've been on vacation so I haven't been faithful to my blog spot. More importantly, my computer has been out. Like dead. Gone. Totally unresponsive! Ahhhhh yes! Dealing with "technicians" from far across the world has not been entertaining. In fact, it's tested my patience to the limit. What's worse, it certainly wasn't getting my computer fixed. 

So I couldn't keep up with ANYTHING while we were gone. My work, my family, my friends, Facebook and blog page - I was totally out of touch. Once I got home, I still had to face the matter of a broken computer. So, now armed with a new hard drive and even a new keyboard, I am ready to get back writing because there is lots to talk about! 

When I finally do get back to my blog page, you'll get to hear about a week of walking a huge golf course in Kentucky and going dancing in Nashville. You guessed it - on broken glass all the way. Also, I have a new foot doctor who agrees, "why yes, you've got awful pain with THOSE feet!" 

But we had a wonderful vacation and I can't wait to get back to my blog. So much to tell; so little time.

How am I doing . . . so far?

I have such mixed emotions about my age. In most ways, I absolutely love it! It's great to stand back and see that we've done a tremendous job with our daughters. I'm delighted that both of our girls have been successful in previously male-dominated professions. It makes me even happier to look into the beaming faces of my grandchildren and see so much of their mothers. The influence of their fathers is also there, to be sure - but I'm speaking here as a parent and grandparent. I can finally stand back, take a deep breath and say "yes, thank you God, my life has been happy and successful."  My grandchildren reach out to me and I hear a constant stream of "I love you GiGi" and my heart wants to jump right out of my body!

But with advancing age comes problems I'd much rather ignore. Mostly, I pay for the activities of my youth; with pain! It gives new meaning to the adage, "If I'd known I was going to live this long I would have taken much better care of myself." Multiply that times ten for me!

And in keeping with my "broken glass" theme, I've finally made an appointment with a new orthopedic doctor. I just want him to take a fresh look at my "healed" feet and tell me if there's anything he can do to increase my mobility without pain. Any small improvement would be great!

My feet limit my abilities somewhat, but so far, I think I'm doing just fine!